Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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