Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize