It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
