Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
