That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
