3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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