I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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