I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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