Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
