Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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