My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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