I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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