I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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