a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just gift wrapped bread.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
