I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
