I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
