Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How's work?
Spinning.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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