Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
