Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
