Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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