bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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