it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
