You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
