Screwed.edu
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
