remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
