my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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