I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
