Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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