Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she pinky promised me she was 18
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Never joke about your clitoris.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
