Buhtt sex?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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