omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
