My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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