You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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