Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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