went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
