How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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