I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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