Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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