he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
