i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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