batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
