My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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