you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
