I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
