Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
