Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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