Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
