I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
