I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
