wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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