so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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