i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
