i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
