What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
