im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
