it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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