I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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