Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
