In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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