I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
