too bad you live with your parents still
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
